Summer Woods: Taking Hogwarts by Slight Rainshower
by Sharap'n
Summary: Sequel to DMSA. Summer is back from the dead, changed her name (multiple times) and now she's on a killing spree. But why? She's under an eViL cUrSe and must find the cure deep in the African tundra... WHAT? Africa doesn't have tundra? Oh well. COMPLETE
1. Prologue

"Listen, there's no point staying here."  
  
"I want to. I have to stay."  
  
The scene was St Mungo's, and Snape was trying to coax Harry into leaving Summer's bedside and going back to Hogwarts. A young looking healer came into the room and examined her.  
  
"She's fighting it, but there's no hope for her." The healer said. (T/A/N: Hurrah!) "I'm sorry."  
  
Suddenly the little machine that goes ^ping! ^ (The one that measures heartbeats) beeped out a long, steady beeping noise. (Ie. Summer's dead) (T/A/N: since when did muggle machines that go ^ping^ get into St. Mungo's?)  
  
"No!" Harry shouted, and stood up suddenly, Snape holding his arms back forcefully. "Let me go!" But he didn't. The healer pressed a button on the wall, and immediately healers started pouring into the room. They started chattering very quickly in medical mumbo-jumbo, and one healer forced Harry and Snape out of the room.  
  
"I'm sorry, but she's gone." The healer said.  
  
Harry stared at his feet for about an hour, only looking up when Summer was taken out of the ward on a stretcher, covered in a long white sheet stained with red. He watched them take her down to the morgue section of the hospital, then Snape created a Portkey back to Hogwarts.  
  
"It's time to go, Harry." He said, surprisingly compassionate.  
  
This time Harry did not object. (T/A/N: boo frickin hoo)  
  
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Summer's eyes shot open and she gasped for air, having not breathed in quite some time. She put her arms above her face, and pressed at the top of her metal prison.  
  
"Oh God . . . I'm underground!" She said, terrified. "I'm in a coffin! I'm . . . DEAD!"  
  
"Not quite, deary." Came a woman's voice from the other side of the metal sheet to her right.  
  
"What the hell are you doing near my coffin?"  
  
"You're not in a coffin, love. You're at the hospital morgue."  
  
"So I'm dead?"  
  
"In a manner of speaking, yes."  
  
"Oh God!"  
  
"Just kidding. You're not dead."  
  
"Well then what are you? Chopped salad?"  
  
"No, I quite like the peacefulness of this place, so I cast the spell on myself that makes the healers think I've died or something. Most of them are catching on by now, but I can fool a couple of them still."  
  
Summer giggled. "You like it where you're surrounded by dead people?" She asked. Then it dawned on her. "Oh my God I'm surrounded by dead people! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" and she clawed desperately at the metal above her head. She heard a sound quite like opening a roll-a-drawer, then she saw bright white lights above her face, and she shielded her eyes. When she had got used to the light, she uncovered her eyes. Someone had opened her drawer, and the one next to her was open as well.  
  
"If you'll be a regular visitor here, you might learn to open them yourself." The woman that had been speaking to her said, lying in her coffin. As she pulled her drawer back in, Summer heard her say "When you've got eight kids between four and seventeen, you'll deal with being around corpses if it means quiet time." And she laughed, an insane cackle, which faded away like vapour. Summer started to get scared then, and she ran, ran up the stairs, up through administration, and to the bathrooms. She looked into the bathroom mirror in shock. Her face was pale and pasty, she had purple circles under her eyes, her hair had become a big platinum-blonde frizz ball, and she had lost a noticeable amount of weight. A small girl stepped out of a cubicle and shrieked at Summer, before fainting dead away.  
  
"I guess that's what being dead does to you . . ." She said, before looking down at her stomach. There was a gaping hole in it the size of a soccerball. "Shit . . ." She murmured. She screwed up her face, and when she opened her eyes, the hole had been filled in. her clothes looked like hell, but that could be fixed. She metamorphed her hair to chin-length, red and spiky, with electric blue streaks, to remind her of her old school. She metamorphed her eyes to green, and took away the circles under them. She turned and looked in the mirror. "Perfect."  
  
When she caught the knight bus back to Hogwarts, there was only one thing on her mind: "How the hell am I still alive?"  
  
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Sorry for making Mary-Sue live, but I just had to, I love writing about her! I hope you understood the title, it's a parody of Araminta Malfoy- Potter: Taking Hogwarts by Storm, which is my favourite fic! I was ECSTATIC when I heard that Araminta Malfoy-Potter chick was bringing out a sequel! She's my idol! (Seriously! No joke!) 


	2. woohoo chappie 1

Thank you all my reviewers! I love you! LJFan, I think I'll use your idea, if that's not too much to ASK! Oh, and Harry doesn't know that SUMMER LIVES! Yet. Stay tuned for more exciting news on the ANGUISH of HARRY POTTER over DEAR MARY-SUE.  
  
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Harry sat on the roof of the Astrology Tower. He had been there for several hours, staring at the crystal clear surface of the lake. It was pristine, unruffled, and very smooth. *Like Summer * Harry thought sadly. Suddenly, Harry saw someone dive into the lake and start swimming.  
  
"Hey bitch, you messed up the water!" He yelled, but she didn't hear him, as she was much too far away. He closed his eyes. *Everything perfect has got to be destroyed sooner or later, it's nature. * He thought. *Like Summer. She was perfect. But why did her own father have to destroy her? * He pulled up a telescope from his old black bag, which was sitting there with him on the roof. He peered into it to see who was in the water. His heart leapt as he saw someone with curly blonde hair drifting along in the water in a pale orange bikini, but then his heart sank again as he saw it was a fourth-year Ravenclaw girl that Hermione knew. *What was her name? * He thought. *Rain. Rain Elven. * Rain was one of those girls who had been called beautiful since she was old enough to know people were talking about her. Many of the boys in the school had asked her out, but she had turned them all down. Harry himself had had a crush on her before Summer was transferred to Gryffindor, but she was one of those hippie girls who didn't love just one person, so that she could love all things equally, so Harry dismissed her as a Lost Cause and found Summer. *I wish I'd never found her, then I wouldn't be feeling this way because of her. * He thought angrily, then ripped a piece of parchment out of his bag and started to write.  
  
Summer. (He wrote)  
  
Ever since you walked into our carriage on the train at the start of the year, I liked you quite a lot. Then, you transferred to Gryffindor and I saw the inner you, which just made me fall in love. But love hurts, especially when love is lost. I lost love when I lost you.  
  
People say a broken heart is just a metaphor, and I agree. My heart feels like it's been completely removed, like I've lost the ability to feel. I saw a picture of a dying unicorn today in a book for Care of Magical Creatures and I didn't think anything of it. I didn't even care. That just makes me feel sick.  
  
Losing Sirius was terrible, it was like losing my father, if I had been able to comprehend what was happening to me. I thought I would never recover. But you, you made the recovery process a million times faster. You taught me that you should never think twice about an action, if you feel like doing something, go right ahead and do it. Take every second you live as if it's your last, because inevitably, one of the seconds ^ is ^ going to be your last. I know that's a bit of a morbid thought, like signing your own death wish, but somehow, it makes perfect sense to me.  
  
Some things you say would make no sense to anything bar a Mongolian Flying Mongoose, but somehow I found myself understanding everything you said as if you were explaining how two plus two equals four.  
  
Summer, there is no easy way to say this, but I love you. I am going to jump off the Astrology Tower today so that we can be together again, because a world without you is a world not worth living in. Know that there has never been a day since I fell in love with you that I haven't thought of you and how much I love you.  
  
I wouldn't like to say goodbye to the world, but simply hello to eternity with you, Summer.  
  
Goodbye world, Hello my one true love.  
  
Signed, Harry Potter.  
  
P.S. I suppose I should say something about Ron and Hermione, too? Nah, I can't be fucked.  
  
(End parchment)  
  
Harry stood at the guttering of the turret, arms outstretched to wither side of him. "Never think twice . . ." he whispered. Then he saw a girl walking up to the castle doors, the wind making her short spiky red hair (with electric blue streaks) fly out behind her. "Summer!" He said in realisation, and was about to step backward off the guttering, but, the guttering of Hogwarts having not been replaced for hundreds of years, groaned for a second, with Harry holding his breath with a face as pale as chalk. He exhaled, relieved, and the guttering suddenly snapped off. He flung his arms out and caught hold of the guttering that hadn't fallen off. He watched the metal fall down a hundred feet toward the stone pavement surrounding the castle. (T/A/N: screw the moat . . . we need real danger, people!) On impact, Harry watched as the cast-iron shattered into a thousand impossibly tiny pieces. (T/A/N: screw metal not being able to shatter . . . we need real graphics, people!) "Shit . . ." He said to himself, as he realised that if he fell, as long as Summer felt the same way about him as he did about her, she would certainly feel responsible, given his suicide letter.  
  
"Watch where you're throwing that, dickheads!" Summer shouted at whoever had thrown that piece of metal down at her. She looked up, shielding her eyes from the sun, and saw a boy dangling there. One glance at his ruffled hair, (having spent countless hours sitting on an armchair in the common room watching him [not in a stalker-ish way]) told her who this boy was. "Harry!" She cried out. She saw a slight smile flit across his terrified face. The guttering creaked and a piece of it bent, so Harry was left hanging by a string. Summer shrieked, whipping her hands to her face, breaking several nails. The guttering bent further, and snapped. "NO!" Summer yelled in despair.  
  
"Summer!" Harry shouted as he fell, as though in slow motion. Summer leapt forward, and as she did, she was perplexed at the fact she did not hit the ground as one is inclined to do when one makes a motion forward, lifting both feet from the surface from which one is standing, one does expect that both feet will make contact with said surface once more, or at least ONE foot would make contact with said proverbial surface. Alas, this did not happen, and Summer was perplexed, as she generally expected this said theory to take place. But it didn't. I think I've made the point of Summer was STILL IN THE AIR? Or do I need to rephrase my sentencing? I don't think so. I think you get my drift. Ahem. Back to the heart-stopping A C T I O N. (whatever.) Summer didn't even care that she didn't understand how she was in the air, she was speeding toward the falling person with astounding gracefulness. She sped up and caught him in her arms, while not realising she was heading toward a solid stone wall at over 60kmph. She closed her eyes, and prepared herself for INSTANTANEAOUS DEATH, but it didn't come. She opened her eyes and realised she had flown THROUGH A WINDOW. (T/A/N: *coughcough BIMBO coughcough *)  
  
"S, you saved my life!" Harry said, and Summer was forcibly reminded of the nickname Draco had for her. (i.e. S) "And you've got wings!" he said. Summer jumped back, dropping Harry on the hard stone floor. "Ouch, what did you do that for?"  
  
But Summer wasn't listening. She was checking out her 'wings'. Two large wings were protruding from her upper back, made of white feathers with flecks of silver. (Think Dogma with glitter.) She tested them out by folding them around her chest protectively, then stretching them out and flying up the staircase then down it again. She pulled them back into her back with a sickening squelch, and as she did, she fell onto all fours, retching and scrabbling at her upper back, where her wings were.  
  
"S, are you ok?" Harry asked, pulling her up, then dropping her again in shock, for her eyes were rolling back into her head, and her mouth was slightly open. She fell back onto the ground on all fours, her eyes slowly rolling back to normal. This made her slightly queasy, so she closed her eyes.  
  
"S?" He asked.  
  
"Don't call me that!" She shrieked viciously, and when she opened her eyes, she was alone in the corridor.  
  
____________________  
  
"How am I still alive?"  
  
"Well, not only did your mother have an accident with a dragon, she also had an accident with Fawkes, my phoenix."  
  
"Well, obviously, but . . . WHAT?"  
  
"Your mother needed Fawkes for a potion she was working on. They were fighting and Tara had cut Fawkes several times, and Fawkes had bitten Tara several times, so they were both bleeding profusely. Your mother knew she couldn't win, so she cast a spell that made all living things in the vicinity pass out. Through no fault of their own, Fawkes bled onto Tara's cuts, and she received phoenix blood. So you, Summer, are part phoenix."  
  
"But why have I got wings?"  
  
"Because when you died, you had all the qualities that would have made you an arch-angel. As you are not a fully fledged phoenix, you were part-reborn and part-angelmade."  
  
"Oh my God, I think I'm getting confused. So I'm an angel, a dragon and a phoenix as well as a normal witch?"  
  
"Yepperoonies!" He said, happy that Summer had got his drift.  
  
"Yepperoonies? That's my word!" Summer said, wondering how her word had gotten so fad-like so fast.  
  
"Everyone's saying it now! Well, everyone that ^ matters ^" he said, pulling out a copy of CosmoGirl! and flicking through the pages. "Will you excuse me?"  
  
"Yeah . . . sure . . ." She said. "Oh, wait on, there's something else."  
  
"Mmmhmmm?" Dumbledore said, engrossed in 'Pilates - the best workout since Geri Yoga'.  
  
"I wanna change my name." Summer said.  
  
"What's wrong with Summer?"  
  
"Well, I don't like it, for one, and for two, it reminds me of Draco, who is a lying-backstabbing-evil-cheating-son-of-a-bitch-who-should-be-put-down- immediately. And for three, I'm on my rags. I'm impulsive! Get over it!" She said. Dumbledore shuddered at the thought of women's cycles, and put his hands up, signalling that he wanted to hear no more.  
  
"Ok! Ok! Get a name change." He said, conjuring up the papers for her. She wrote it all up, then signed it, with a big, loopy signature.  
  
"Welcome to Hogwarts, Ella Anderton." He said, zapping the papers to the proper places. (T/A/N: See? In order to make it a proper Mary-Sue, I must feel the mind, BE the mind of the creator!) And with that, Summer, oh, I mean Ella, jumped up and down on the spot, clapping her hands in small movements, before running excitedly downstairs, leaving Dumbledore to the modelling contest section of CosmoGirl!.  
  
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Yeah, it's short. KISS MY FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD ARSE. Wow, I'm fourteen! I'm gonna be fifteen in four months and six days! I can't wait! To be able to see the world of MA rated movies without my arsehole of a dad being a big poo-face with a rather large stick up his bee-hind. Hooray! Only four months away! Bugger, I'm gonna be fourteen forever. Perhaps reviewing will speed up the healing process of my distraught behaviour at being fourteen. Please? Review? It couldn't hurt, could it? Well, maybe it could if someone really hated reviewers and just decided to eat all their heads whenever someone reviewed, then I suppose it might hurt a bit. But still! You wanna give your life for me, don't you? You don't? WELL THEN KISS MY FOURTEEN- YEAR-OLD ARSE AGAIN, CONFORMISTS! (What the hell does that word mean anyways? I surely don't know.) R E V I E W! review! r e v i e w! rEvIeW! YEAH! 


	3. NOT an AN Fooled you, fanfictionnet!

Hey people, this chap will be very short because it's basically an authors note and I have to put in some chap stuff so ffn won't take it off the site!  
  
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Authors note: There's a new MarySue in town! No I'm not talking about Araminta Malfoy-Potter. I'm talking about Gypsy-Alexa Mindale (apparently it's pronounced Min-dah-lay.) The author's Gypsy Alexa (I sense a MarySue) and the fic's called Witch Doll, prolly because Gypsy-Alexa wins some model competition in there and Harry, of course, is in love with her from the second he started dreaming about her, right at the start of the holidays. Yes, that's right, before he met her. I predict this to be the Second Coming! It's only just on chap 2 or 3 now, so leave your notes of 'encouragement' at her doorstep! (Rather like one would leave piles of flaming dog poop)  
  
On with the (extremely short) show!  
  
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Dumbledore stood up in the Great Hall, and looked over all the students.  
  
"Due to amazing courage and strength of spirit on Ella Anderton's, formerly known as Summer Woods', part, the Dark Lord has been defeated. Ella killed her own father, for the good of the world. For the good of the world she had known and loved, and for the good of the world, she almost died. For Voldemort cast her toward her certain death by impaling, but she managed to survive, and because she is part Phoenix, she has made a beautiful recovery. To Ella Anderton." He said, raising his glass. All glasses in the great hall were raised as one.  
  
"To Ella Anderton."  
  
Ella blushed and metamorphed her hair long and blonde again, to hide her face. She was grinning under her hair though, and she leant her head on Harry's shoulder.  
  
"Things will certainly be looking up this year, with no Voldemort to worry about." Harry said, stroking the back of her hand.  
  
"Yepperoonies." She agreed, but Neville, who stumbled into the great hall, looking very much the worse for wear, proved them wrong. He had several deep gashes all over him, and his nose looked broken. Half his fingers had been removed, and one eye was missing. He gasped, dribbling blood, and fell over face forwards. Sticking out of his back was a long shard of broken mirror.  
  
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Hurrah. Today, instead of reviewing me, review poor little Gypsy Alexa. She stole my word (yepperoonies) so SHE MUST BE FLAMED! FLAMED! LITTLE BITCH! 


	4. Grab your tissues, grab your timtams, an...

Sorry I haven't been replying to your reviews of late, I'll try to do it all now!  
  
LJFan: you only have to wait two years to drive? In Aussie, (Tasmania to be exact) they've gone and changed the rules so I can't drive until I'm 17! That totally sucks! Sucky, sucky, sucky, sucky McSuckSuck. Don't worry, Butterfly will return! Ron and Hermy might snog; I'm getting better at writing those kinds of scenes! :) Oh, and Nerdy Nose Neville doesn't quite sound as menacing as Mad-Eye Moody, wouldn't you agree? Heheh:)  
  
La Pamplemousse: Burritos will return! Just think: Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Burrito. (I.e. instead of king?) Yeah, pretty sucky attempt at funniness, but DO NOT BAG THE MYSETICAL THING! And, nothing personal, but I never really liked Neville, so he dies first. I really hate Pansy and Millicent more, but I thought Neville would be more of a shock-horror.  
  
Swimmerkitti: We should like, start an Araminta Potter Malfoy fan club or something! (J/K)  
  
Natsuko: Jesus bloody Christ on his bloody throne, she's trying to be me! No! Bad MarySue! BAD MARYSUE! Do NOT use my words! Do NOT be me! I don't want you to be me! I'd rather cover myself with gravy and jump into a tank of hungry rabid sharks at feeding time!  
  
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"Neville!" Lavender squealed, and ran over to him, followed closely by Parvati and Hermione. The rest of the hall was silent, paralysed with shock and fear. Ella stood up slowly and walked over to him, looking very solemn. Lavender was pushing him, trying to get him to wake up.  
  
"Neville . . . wake up! Wake up!" Lavender said, pushing his head around, but it just lolled around like a grotesque rag doll. Lavender's talking made Ella think of Rose at the end of Titanic, shaking Jack's hand and saying 'the boats are here jack, come back, boats, come back!' And she fought to control a giggle, because giggling would be the exact opposite of what was expected of her, and her adoptive parents always reprimanded her for doing what was least expected of her. She knelt down and put her hand on Lavender's, who stopped trying to wake Neville at once. She looked up at Ella and Ella saw that Lavender had blood all over her, on her hands, and her face where she had wiped away tears with blood-smeared hands.  
  
"I'm sorry Lavender, he won't wake up." She said, and Lavender collapsed onto her, and Ella had nothing to do but pat Lavender's back as she cried on Ella's $400 French tank top. Ella seemed mildly disconcerted about her top, (now covered in blood and tears) but just put her hand on Lavender's head and patted her hair calmingly. "Ssh, it's ok, it's ok, it'll all be over soon. It's just a bad dream. It's just a bad dream." She repeated, more to herself than to Lavender, but Lavender seemed calmed by the words, so it's all good.  
  
Ella stayed sitting on the ground next to Neville until after everyone had finished their meals and gone up to bed. She looked down at him, pitying his poor luck at being late for dinner. "I guess your gran was right." She said, getting onto her knees. "Your lateness did bring about the end of you." She said, putting her hand on his head. At that moment, her vision went black and all she saw were flashes of black and white images, like an old movie screen that had the celluloid damaged and it was playing inside her head. She saw a flash of walking down a set of stairs, through the point of view of someone unknown to her, she saw more flashes of coming down to the entrance hall and seeing Neville there. She saw a flash of dragging him away from the castle, still alive, as he kicked and struggled. She saw a flash of being in the forest, and stabbing him and mutilating him. She saw a flash of washing blood of a pair of hands in the lake. She saw a flash of a last glance of Neville, before walking back up to the castle. Suddenly the vision whirled around and Ella almost saw who the killer was, but was shaken out of her trance. She gasped and looked around the hall. There was only one person in there, and that was Harry. He looked frightened.  
  
"Ella, I was so scared, I came in here to see where you were and Filch had already taken away the body and you were foaming at the mouth and your eyes were rolling and you were shaking, I thought you were having a fit or something." He said in one long breath.  
  
"Yeah, and if you'd waited a second longer to wake me up, I would have seen who killed him!" She said angrily. She didn't care if it wasn't his fault, she didn't care if he could never have known she was having a vision, she was angry and she had to take it out on someone. He looked hurt, then angry.  
  
"Fine. Fine, because maybe it is my fault that I care about you, and maybe I plan to carry on caring about you, but I can't stand you driving me away every time I try to help you. I thought you were dying, and do you know what? I don't know why, after how you've treated me, but I was scared for you. I didn't want you to die. But maybe now I've rethought that choice. Maybe if the guy who killed Neville comes after you, I won't try to help because it'll just blow up in my face or something. I'd leave you to die, Ella! You would deserve it. What I don't understand is how you could proclaim to love me one day, then act like I'm Malfoy or something the next. What is wrong with you?"  
  
"Don't talk to me about Malfoy. If I acted like you were him, you would be dead or injured by now." She said, folding her wings protectively around her chest. Her wings! *Last time I got angry with him, my wings were out . . . * She thought. She pulled her wings back into her back with horrible agony, but tried her best not to let the pain show on her face.  
  
Harry was walking toward the door and Ella suddenly felt remorse for all the horrible things she had said. Did Harry REALLY not care for her? Would he leave her to die?  
  
"Harry! I'm sorry! It's my wings!" She shouted, but she watched the great wooden door slam shut and knew she had gone too far. "It's my wings . . ." She said miserably, collapsing on the floor and letting her wings fold around her protectively. Tears rolled down her face but she didn't care. She curled up into her feathery cocoon and cried through the night.  
  
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Awwwwwwwwww... I was crying all through that! Well not really but still. I know it's short but that seemed like a good place to end the chapter. Review please! 


	5. An Apology and a Chapter in One

I know it's been ages since I updated but I _had_ to go back to school last Thursday so I have a _lot_ more to do! I'm taking **Advanced Science** this year! It's so horrible! I didn't even want to do it but I HAD to, cuz mum was getting angry at me for choosing all bludge subjects. (Ie. art, child studies, business studies... etc etc) Oh and we're doing graphic calculators in maths. I HATE graphic calculators. They are so confusing. I wish they would die. Seriously, if I get pissed off with one of them again, I am smashing it up against a brick wall then stomping on the remains. Then I'm coating it in Whiskas and feeding it to my cat. Then I will throw it out the window. The calculator, not the cat. This chapter will prolly be worse than the other ones because I have a stack of homework to think about while I write...  
  
Sorry babes, it's been too long. Five months, I think? I've just had so much to do. I will be devoting more time to Ella, I feel bad for keeping you waiting = (  
  
-----  
  
Ella stepped up to the podium and accepted her Grammy award with surprising grace.  
  
"Well, I'd just like to say how much of a surprise this is, and I'd like to thank my mother, my father... and my adoptive parents, they always supported me... and my cat, Sushi, and all my friends. And of course, my burritos. And I would also like to take this opportunity to inform the world that I'm not wearing any trousers."  
  
Then the dream changed, into a more Gothic nature...  
  
Ella was walking down a black corridor... shivering at the chill. A boy stood at the end... her reward for so long walking. She made it to him and smiled. His blonde hair swayed as he nodded slightly, pulling her close to him. She shivered as he slid his hands around her waist and kissed her. Before she knew what she was doing, she had pulled out a long, twisted knife out of her pocket and brought it down upon his head once, twice, three times. He crumpled in her arms and she stepped back, watching the lifeless form drop at her feet, his cold eyes singing their last song of torment.  
  
Ella sat up with a gasp.  
  
"I must have fallen asleep..." She said to herself. Then she looked at her hair in a portable mirror she kept in her pocket, a mirror of which enlarged to three times its normal size when needed. Her hair was perfect, as usual, and her subconscious mind had morphed it into medium length and red with a longish fringe. Unlike most (normal) girls, who needed to work on their makeup and hair of a morning, Ella was naturally beautiful, and only applied the teensiest amount of lip-gloss before she was set to go. The other girls in the dorm glared angrily at her for being so, well, perfect, but Ella mistook these for looks of admiration and smiled at them gracefully before sweeping out the door.  
  
Harry was already down at the great hall, munching on an abnormally wide burrito. Ella smiled sheepishly and sat next to him, but he acted as if she wasn't there and said nothing. (Here's the big fight between Harry and Mary- Sue. The author wants to create a sense of being pissed-off, but fails miserably.)  
  
"Harry, I-"She started, but was cut off.  
  
"So, Ron, how are you going with that Potions assignment?" He said, turning his back.  
  
"I wanted to say-"  
  
"Snape's a right piece of work, huh?"  
  
"I know you're listening-"  
  
"I bet Hermione's finished it, though. She was always one..."  
  
Furious, Ella span him around and held his chin so he couldn't turn his back again. "Look Harry, I know you don't want anything to do with me, but I want you to know that the only reason I was angry at you was because I accidentally had my wings out. They make me angry, very angry, and I have to take it out on someone, and you're usually the closest person. I care about you too, because if I didn't, I wouldn't be so cut up about us fighting. Please, it was out of my control."  
  
Harry stood, and for a second Ella thought he was going to take her in his arms and tell her everything was all right...  
  
"I'm gonna make like your personality and split." He said, leaving the half- eaten burrito on his plate. (I got that off Scooby Doo 2, so sue me. Actually don't.)  
  
Ella sat through breakfast watching everyone else chattering away, eating burritos like there was no tomorrow. The world was spinning around her, twirling her around like she was a puppet on a string, threatening to make her vomit up her burrito. Pwerk.  
  
Dumbledore stood up. "Students... I have a rather grim announcement to make. Draco Malfoy has been found murdered in the Potions corridor. I urge anyone with information to come forward; we may have a situation like that of in Harry Potter's second year, when Lord Voldemort was attacking the students. Always be with a friend, never alone. That is all."  
  
The hall was once again alive with the sound of chatter, but it was not the light-hearted small talk everyone was used to. It was deep and dark, theories about who amongst them was a murderer.  
  
"My dream..." Ella said, staring at the remnants of her burrito on her plate. Her RADIANCE had not completely vanished, but was fading quickly. She had a premonition of the murder... Harry hated her... _what next?_ She stood up and ran screeching from the room. No one noticed. She could barely see through her tears... She was running out into the grounds. Her robes caught on a stray tree branch and ripped up the left seam. They tangled around her feet and she tripped, ripping her robes even further. Furiously, she ripped them off, revealing her _flowy_ ankle-length very _**flowy**_ white very _**flowy**_ cotton skirt and chokingly **tight** black tank top.  
  
On impulse, she dived into the lake. Her _**flowy**_ skirt _**flowed**_ against her feet. The water was freezing but she didn't notice. She stared at the bottom of the lake. There was something glittering down there... A golden bracelet. She reached out to it, to touch it... the second her finger touched the gold, her vision went black. She was on dry land, at the top of North Tower. There was someone looking out the window... she sprinted over to her and, before she could stop herself, pushed her. Brown hair flicked as the girl's head snapped back, following her body down. She hit the ground with a thud, and Ella jumped out of the window and floated gracefully down to the body. With a wave of her hand, the ground was free from blood, and the body of Hermione Granger levitated, floating over to the lake. When she had the corpse about ten feet above the lake, she pulled her hand down drastically and Hermione slapped the surface of the water, creating ripples spreading to the edges. She walked back up to the castle, grinning.  
  
The Ella in the lake opened her eyes suddenly. Her red hair had changed to brown, Hermione's colour, and it swirled about her eyes. She stared deeply at the bracelet and noticed that it wasn't just resting on the lake bottom... It was attached to a wrist... that wrist was attached to a hand... a corpse popped up from below the silt, eyes wide and staring, mouth in a silent scream. Ella screamed underwater and tried to kick her way to the surface, but her foot connected with Hermione's body and caught on her robes. She couldn't bear to look back at the bloated body, so she just kept kicking for air. She gasped at the surface, and used all her strength to swim to the side of the lake. She pulled herself up on the pier and dragged Hermione up as well, still attached to her foot. She realised that, in her rush, she had forgotten to remove her shoes. She did so now, freeing her foot from the restrains of the disgusting corpse that now lay in front of her. She sprinted up to the castle, hitting her head on the gargoyle statue at the foot of the stairs to Dumbledore's office. She threw her arms up, and the gargoyle shattered. She ran up to the office and barged through the closed doors, breaking the handles. Dumbledore stared at her with a stricken look on his face.  
  
"Ella?" He said. "How...?"  
  
"I'm very powerful, Dumbledore." She said, thinking that he meant how did she get up here without the password.  
  
"No." He said. "How are you still alive?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You've been at the bottom of the lake for three days."  
  
-----  
  
Well, there's the next chapter. Hope you like it! I'll try to update in the next week or so. Review plz! 


	6. I believe she's doing the Macarena, Prof...

Reviews!  
  
Mrs Nobody: Well, you reviewed Diaries, so I thought I'd give you a mention.  
  
LJFan: This chapter will be funnier. I promise. Hopefully... I'm not really conscious of how amusing I am until either someone laughs, or someone reviews and tells me I'm amusing. Most of the time I don't mean to be funny, I'm just a bit lacking in the brains department and say stupid things all the time.  
  
JuicyJuice: Sorry about the confusion! I don't think I'll redo it, cos I suck at redoing, but I can tell you what happened. Mary Sue dived in, had a vision of killing Hermione, then Hermione's body came up from the silt. The corpse caught her foot and Mary Sue dragged Hermione onto the pier. Then she detached her foot. That's it. Thanks for the longest review I got for that chapter!  
  
Sofa Girl: Maybe I should put up a signpost saying this has a sequel. Awel, I have a lot of love for the reviewers.  
  
-----  
  
"I've... what?" Ella asked shakily.  
  
"Before you say anything, I'm changing your name."  
  
"But –"  
  
"Don't thank me now, I've already forged your signature on the papers."  
  
"But I don't _want_ –"  
  
"Now, I'm sure we can wear your new name in soon enough."  
  
"I _like_ my na-"  
  
"Happy Being-Alive day, **Angel Herpes**."  
  
"_HERPES?_"  
  
"Great, isn't it?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Dumbledore simply smiled and asked her about the lake.  
  
"How are you alive?"  
  
"Are you senile?"  
  
"You spent three days underwater. Most thought you dead... we couldn't find a body."  
  
"I seriously think you should consider a home for the elderly –"  
  
"Angel, stop changing the subject."  
  
"I'll go with Angel, but definitely not Herpes."  
  
"_ANGEL_!"  
  
"Yes, Professor?" For a second she thought he was about to say something reasonable...  
  
"Did you use an aqualung?"  
  
"Oh shutup. I found Hermione's body in the lake."  
  
"And?"  
  
"Shouldn't you be upset or something?"  
  
"Why? As long as it wasn't harmed, I don't see any reason she can't live a perfectly ordinary life."  
  
"Her _dead_ body, Sherlock."  
  
"Don't go changing your story now, lass!" He said, waggling a finger at her. "You young'uns... think you know everything... back in my day..."  
  
He continued to ramble on in this vein, until suddenly, the back of his head smacked the top of his chair and he started to snore.  
  
"Professor?" Angel said to the little line of drool coming down from his mouth. "Uh..."  
  
Angel was saved, though, for McGonagall walked in at that precise moment, holding a bottle full off little yellow pills.  
  
"You got him talking about the good old days, didn't you?" She said solemnly. "He won't wake for another few days... best leave him be."  
  
"But I had an important message!" Said Angel, who had quite forgotten why she was here. McGonagall simply laughed, though, and waggled a finger at Angel, her second finger-waggling that day.  
  
"So old, and the girls still chasing after him... he's old enough to be your great-grandfather, missy." With a shock, Angel remembered why she was here.  
  
"Hermione's dead! I found her at the bottom of the lake... she's at the pier now!"  
  
"Let's go then!" McGonagall said, bouncing after Angel like a superhero's annoying tag-along. But when they got to the pier...  
  
"She's gone!"  
  
"Huh?" McGonagall said. "Corpses don't just get up and walk away!"  
  
"But they can get up and levitate away..." Angel muttered. McGonagall looked up, and sure enough, eyes blazing red, was the body of Hermione, doing strange movements...  
  
"What are those strange movements she's doing?" McGonagall said. Angel's eyes widened.  
  
"Professor... Please don't get frightened... but I believe she's doing the Macarena..."  
  
Hermione stared straight at them and paused, with one hand behind her head and the other crossing her green-tinged chest. "Killed meeeeeee..." She breathed.  
  
"What?" McGonagall said. "Who killed you?"  
  
"The person whoooooooo killed meeeeeeeeeeeee is –"  
  
"NO!" Angel screamed, throwing a rock at the floating corpse. It hit her in the eye, and she frowned, before dropping to the ground, lifeless once more.  
  
"What did you do that for?" McGonagall said. "We were about to find out who the murderer is!"  
  
"I, uh, thought I saw a fly." McGonagall nodded.  
  
"Fair enough. Go back to the castle for some hot cocoa?"  
  
"Count me in."

For Angel had not seen a fly that day... she had realised, she wasn't just watching these murders, oh no. She was comitting them.  
  
-----  
  
Big-assed A/N:  
  
On the subject of chapter lengths: Hello! My chapters will be kind of shorter, but I'm trying to post them sooner. Next one will be within the week.  
  
On the subject of reviewers: Thanks for not giving up on me, for knowing I was out there... somewhere... and not at the side of the road being eaten by an Alsatian.  
  
On the subject of REAL LIFE Mary-Sues: Gypsy-Alexa has gone. For good, I hope! All hail EVERYTHING! I love life.  
  
On the subject of MY LIFE: Letterman's on now. BYEBYE!


	7. I've always wondered why Snape had so ma...

Just a warning, this chapter contains more lovey-dovey than killings.  
  
Reviews:  
  
Swimmerkitti: Ah well, that did sound quite freaky, but v. v. flattering at the same time! Happy to know I am appreciated! I've never been called genius before... maybe that's because genius is a term more applied to people with more **brainpower.**  
  
LJFan: Hope you didn't wet yourself on the computer chair waiting for this chapter. Well, here it is, and there's a bit here just for you! Oh, I was wondering, what does the LJ in your name stand for? At first I thought it meant Live Journal, but then I realised that it also stood for Lily James, one of my least favourite ships. Or maybe it's just your initials. HAHA maybe!  
  
JuicyJuice: No! Don't stop writing long reviews! I love long reviews! I HATE the people that write one-lined reviews! I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE YOU GET BOWEL CANCER! HAHA JUST KIDDING THAT WAS A LINE FROM **DOUBLE THE FIST**. A VERY COOL SHOW. CAPS LOCK IS STARTING TO ANNOY ME. That's better.  
  
On with the show!  
  
-----  
  
After the hot cocoa, Angel was scared about who she might kill next. She didn't want any of her close friends dying...  
  
"Ella, I want to talk to you." Harry said, staring at her strangely.  
  
"Actually, It's Angel, Dumbledore got a name change for me."  
  
"I though you needed to sign that?"  
  
"He's senile, he forged it."  
  
"Ah. Oh, here's the perfect place."  
  
It was a broom closet.  
  
"Now, don't get any ideas..." Angel said as he shut the door behind them. To her surprise, Harry started doing the **Cha Cha Slide.** _(A tribute to LJ Fan... luv ya! Dearly not queerly.)_  
  
-----  
  
Ron scampered along the corridor, dragging his new love, Luna Lovegood. Hermione was old news. Yeah, sure, he still loved her for a little bit after her death, even resorting to necrophilia a couple of times, but he was over it now.

Luna was a pretty girl, gnawing dazedly at her dirty blonde hair (containing three strains of a deadly virus) as Ron grasped her hand to make her move faster. They only had another few minutes until first period. They finally reached their destination, and Ron wrenched open the door, only to find another couple in his broom closet.  
  
"Harry, _really_..." He groaned.  
  
"Isn't that painful to be pierced there?" Luna said, Harry and Angel both replying "A bit."  
  
"That's a sight I never thought I'd see," Ron said. "To both of you!"  
  
"Well, take a picture, cos you're never gonna see it again!" Angel said, but then Ron took it at face value and whipped out his camera. "NO!" She shrieked, throwing her arms up and flinging the camera out of Ron's hands.  
  
"Hey!" Ron said, pushing both Angel and Harry out of the closet. "It's time for you two to _come out of the closet_!" Angel retched, while Harry looked on disgustedly.  
  
"That was a horrible pun, Ron," He said. "I am severely disappointed in you."  
  
Ron simply shrugged and slammed the closet door, grinning. The pair both had the same idea at the same time... and whipped out their piercings.  
  
"Wanna try that thing they were doing?" Ron said.  
  
"Sure. Wanna skive off first period?"  
  
"Do I have a choice?"  
  
And they embarked on a mission of strange and frankly grotesque positions, but they obviously worked wonders, for, in the break between first and second periods, many people banged on the door, shouting "We can hear you in there!"  
  
And yes, Luna did get the deadly virus. And yes, with their wild and passionate shagging, it was transferred to Ron. Yes, they will die.  
  
But this isn't about Ron and Luna. This is about Angel and Harry, who were, at that time, walking around the corridors, with nothing to do. They paced about for quite some time, going in circles around the school. They passed a tapestry of some ogres for... well; it must have been around about the third time...  
  
A door opened opposite the tapestry. "What were you thinking?" Angel said.  
  
"Depends... what were you thinking?"  
  
It turns out they were both thinking the same thing, opening the door to find a large, circular bed covered in red silk sheets. Red rose petals littered the floor, floating gently on the surface of a pool the size of the bed, but just in front of it. Harry led Angel towards the bed, a clear, magical wall turning their old robes to a short, red dress for Angel, and a red shirt with black pants for Harry.  
  
"I take it this means we're not fighting anymore." She murmured, but Harry put a finger to her lips and made a shhhing sound.  
  
What followed was like SBS at midnight on Saturday night. For all the Australians out there, you know this means foreign porno's central. **Never** turn on your TV at midnight on a Saturday.  
  
In the middle of the action, Angel's wings popped out of her back, and she worried that she might blow her top at Harry again... but she didn't. If anything, the wings simply added to the experience. Ew.  
  
They stayed in the Room of Requirement, actually, for the next few days. No one really cared where they were. They just assumed they were on a wild shagging mission, which they were. Angel kept her wings out for the entire time, though, and found that now she had broken them in, they didn't bother her at all anymore.  
  
After a passionate night, Angel rolled onto her back to look at the glittering ceiling above her. She reached out towards the glitter, but it was too far away to reach. It pulled her in, though, dragging her eyes into its depths. She blacked out.  
  
She was exiting the Room of Requirement in her dream, pacing the hallways. The doorway disappeared then reappeared, so, curious, Angel entered. Harry wasn't there. Actually, neither was the bed, the roses, or the pool. It looked like a magazine type cupboard, with shelves stocked with guns and ammo. Her dream self grinned, and clicked the ammo into place in the smallest gun there. It reminded Angel of the guns they used on CSI, a muggle show she quite liked. She had bewitched all her muggle appliances to work inside Hogwarts grounds, something which she was glad of, as otherwise she would have missed her favourite shows, like Alias, CSI, CSI Miami, John Doe, MADtv, Without a Trace, Merrick and Rosso, Friends, Malcolm in the middle, Two and a half men, Home and Away, Big Brother, Australian Idol, Popstars, Angel, Buffy, Charmed, Law and Order SVU, The Glass house, Gimme Gimme Gimme, We are History, Double the Fist, Birds of a Feather, Off Centre, and generally all the shows the author loves.  
  
She stalked through the corridors, and the author thought this was the appropriate time for a song.  
  
_(I got that) Boom Boom (By Britney Spears)_  
  
She flipped her hair, retying the knot on her sheet. She didn't want her victims to see her butt-nekkid.  
  
_She think she fine  
  
Fine enough to blow your mind  
  
she think she bad  
  
Get on the floor and shake that ass  
  
She think she fine  
  
Fine enough to blow your mind  
  
she think she bad  
  
Get on the floor and shake that ass_  
  
She rounded the corner and pointed the gun at thin air. She needed to find someone to kill, her bullets wanted to taste blood, she could feel it.  
  
_Yeah, this is for all the southern boys out there  
  
Check this out_  
  
She saw a guy wandering the corridors, alone. He hadn't seen the gun. He took one look at Angel and advanced forwards, sending extremely suggestive body language her way. Perhaps what most alerted her to his keenness was the fact that he stripped down nekkid, lay on the floor, and said "Take me baby, I'm yours."  
  
_I see you looking my way  
  
And I know that  
  
You have something to say  
  
Watching every inch of my body  
  
Like you wanted to play  
_  
She fired three shots into his... ahem... manhood, causing him to screech out in pain. "You look sexier now," She said, which, needless to say, was slightly uncalled for in the moment. She then shot him another three times, in the head.  
  
_Boom, boom, boom  
  
Boy you look so sexy  
  
Boom, boom, boom  
  
Boy you look so sexy  
_  
"Boom boom." She said, reloading.  
  
_I begin to dance just a little bit  
  
To turn you on  
_  
She danced near the corpse. Hey, everyone knows that songfic writers make up shit just to fit it in with the song.  
  
_I got that boom boom  
  
That you want  
  
Watching me all night long  
  
Hurry up before it's gone  
  
I got that boom boom  
  
That you want  
  
I don't think you should wait  
  
One minute might be too late  
_  
She raced along the corridors, not watching where she was going. She actually ran smack bang into Professor Snape.  
  
"I didn't know you like me that way, Miss Herpes." Snape said, dragging her into his private bedchamber, tearing off his robes to reveal a tanned 6 pack, and nothing on but black silk boxers. (Any Romance with Snape... he'll be tanned, muscular and DEFINITELY be wearing silk boxers at some point in time.) He did look quite strange, a pale face turning into a tanned body. He must have been lying in the sun with a paper bag over his head.  
  
_You had caught my eye and  
  
I wanted to get to know you  
  
Don't be shy  
  
I want you to come closer  
  
So what you gonna do?  
  
(So here we go)  
_  
WOW! She pulled the gun from her pocket (on a bedsheet?) and SHOT HIM!  
  
_Boom, boom, boom  
  
Boy you look so sexy  
  
(So damn sexy)  
  
Boom, boom, boom  
  
Boy you look so sexy  
  
(Tonight)  
  
I got that boom boom  
  
That you want  
  
(That you want)  
_  
_Watching me all night long  
  
Hurry up before it's gone  
  
I got that boom boom  
  
(I got that boom boom)  
  
That you want  
  
I don't think you should wait  
  
One minute might be too late  
  
She think she fine  
_  
_Fine enough to blow your mind  
  
she think she bad  
  
Get on the floor and shake that ass  
  
She think she fine  
  
Fine enough to blow your mind  
  
she think she bad  
  
Get on the floor and shake that ass  
  
She think she fine  
  
Fine enough to blow your mind  
  
she think she bad  
  
Get on the floor and shake that ass  
  
I got that boom boom  
_  
_That you want  
  
Watching me all night long  
  
Hurry up before it's gone  
  
I got that boom boom  
  
(I got that boom boom)  
_  
_That you want  
  
I don't think you should wait  
  
One minute might be too late  
  
I got that boom boom (Yeah)  
  
That you want  
  
Watching me all night long  
  
Hurry up before it's gone  
  
I got that boom boom (Yeah)  
_  
_That you want  
  
I don't think you should wait  
  
One minute might be too late  
  
Boom, boom, boom  
  
Boy you look so sexy  
  
(Damn you look so sexy)  
  
Boom, boom, boom  
  
Boy you look so sexy  
_  
_(Adoring me)  
  
Boom, boom, boom  
  
Boy you look so sexy  
  
(Damn you turning me on)  
  
Boom, boom, boom  
  
Boy you look so sexy  
  
Yeah  
_  
She then pulled out of the dream, landing back in the bed. She rolled over and put her arm around Harry.


	8. Hula bunny

LJFan: Hahahaaaaaaa! Hello! I'm bored so I decided to write the next chapter early. Hahaaaa!  
  
-----  
  
"I have a terrible announcement to make." Dumbledore said. He had woken up while Angel and Harry were in Shagland. "Dean Thomas was shot and killed last night. So was Professor Snape. The only mystery now is to whom will his paper bags go to..."  
  
McGonagall kicked him under the table.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOOW! That hurt. I mean, the only mystery is who is the killer."  
  
"Actually, it's not a mystery, because I'm the killer." Angel said, on a whim. Then she realised what she had said, and floated around, waving her arms and legs all over the place. "Uh, this is a dream... you are dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaming..."  
  
It worked. The students in the hall's eyes widened, and they exchanged knowing looks with Angel, who settled back in her seat. "That was a close one... I just hope I'm that smart next time!" She said to herself.  
  
Dumbledore shook his head and grinned. "Wow, some vivid dream! Anyway, my other announcement is that I'm sick of the people's names. Ron's new name is Dugong. Harry's new name is Carpet. Angel's last name is still Herpes, but her first name has been changed to Beyoncè. All the other student's names have been changed to Diedre, because I personally feel that Diedre is a great name, don't you?"  
  
No one else thought Diedre was a remotely great name.  
  
Angel, oh sorry, Beyoncè had decided to tell no one about her murders. She thought they would not believe her about the dreams, think she was committing them of her own free will, and give her the death sentence by lethal injection. Or maybe Avada Kedavra? No, then the person Avada Kedavra- ing her would get life in Azkaban. Ah, the funniest thing happened on the radio the other day. They were trying to get people to say Azkaban but no one could say it and they were saying stuff like "Prisoner of Afghanistan" "Prisoner of Askelam" and "Prisoner of Azkelalala."  
  
Anywho, back to the story. Beyoncè trudged along the corridors... she didn't realise where she was going... She tripped over. MAJOR PLOT DEVELOPMENT! She hit her head, and passed out...  
  
She was walking along the same corridor, but she could see herself where she was lying on the tiles, passed out. The author was sick of typing Alt 138 whenever she had to type Beyoncè, so she changed her name. Again. Her name changed to Alicia. Cos I like that name, alright?  
  
ANYWHO, Alicia Herpes walked down the corridors, looking for someone to kill... She turned a corner, saw someone, and hid behind one of those Chinese screens people undress behind. As soon as she could see her target, she leapt out onto him, grabbing his neck like a monkey. He squealed and tried to shake her off, running backwards into walls, that kind of thing, but she held on, feeling skin tear beneath her fingers. Blood spurted out of his neck, and she finally let go, wiping her hands on his robes. He danced around, and for a second Alicia thought he was doing the Cha Cha Slide... but then realised he was doing the steps from that song, _5, 6, 7, 8_. You know? _Mah boot scooting baby is drivin' me crazy my obsession for the western, my dance floor date..._ forgive me if I get the words wrong, that song was such a long time ago.  
  
A camera fell out of is pocket as he hit the ground, and Alicia picked it up and ripped off the name tag saying "**Property of Colin Creevy**" Then, someone had written in Liquid Paper just below the tag... "**Who is a poof**"  
  
Alicia blanched. How dare someone say such a degrading thing! I mean, Colin did kind of swing the other way, but there was no reason to write it on his camera. (Haha now I'm not up shit creek with the people who don't like the P word!)  
  
She lifted the camera to her eyes and took three pictures of his dead body, then laid them out on his chest. She put the camera in front of his head like a makeshift gravestone, and left the scene of the crime.  
  
She stalked the hallways, doing so much stalking of the corridors in this fic that she actually turned into an alfalfa stalk. She stared at the author. "I DEMAND compensation."  
  
Alicia turned back into a human, and everyone in the world was in love with her, except for chicks and ugly guys. Dugong and Carpet's names were changed back to Ron and Harry. Happy? Good.  
  
She took a battle-axe from its place on the wall, and stalked the corridors some more, watching out for the burritos that lay scattered on the floor like horse poopies. She pushed her wings out and flew out of the window, landing in North Tower, where Professor Sinistra's bedchambers were. She found the professor sitting on a bed covered with green sheets, her head in her hands, crying. (Did you know I never knew Sinistra and Snape were an item? How ignorant am I?) She turned her head at the sound of Alicia touching down on the floor.  
  
"Wha...?" Was all she murmured before the axe came crashing down, all but cleaving her head in two. She carved a small bunny on the door, waving her hand at it. It smiled at her and started dancing like a hula girl.  
  
"If you like pina coladas..." the rabbit sang quietly. Alicia danced along with the rabbit for a while, then flew out of the window, finding Ron and Luna underneath a tree, shagging. Then she realised they were dead.  
  
"Must be those three strains of a deadly virus in her hair." Alicia said knowingly, and poked them. They fell over. "Good thing I gave Luna that Anthrax-riddled shampoo..."  
  
She flew up to where her passed-out body lay, and floated back into it. She got up from the hard, cold stone floor, and continued on her way to her dormitories.  
  
-----  
  
DEAD COUNT  
  
Neville Longbottom  
  
Draco Malfoy  
  
Hermione Granger  
  
Dean Thomas  
  
Severus Snape  
  
Josephine Sinistra  
  
Ron Weasley  
  
Luna Lovegood  
  
Harry looked up from his list and saw Alicia standing over him. "What are you doing?" She asked curiously.  
  
"Writing a list of the people killed."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"So I can find out a connection, you know, find out who did it."  
  
"Well, they've all been mentioned in your books."  
  
"Yeah, but that leaves the – what? I have books?"  
  
"Uh – no! Carry on."  
  
"Yeah. I'm trying to find out who's next."  
  
Alicia grabbed his shoulders and moved her head around. "It might be you."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Uh... you are dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeaming..."  
  
"Ok."  
  
And she danced the Macarena all the way to her dormitory. 


	9. Lacerated Wing Dings

Alicia lay awake in her bed that night, staring at the stars, thinking 'where the hell is my ceiling.' In fact, her ceiling had decided to bugger off for a while. It hated the ceiling life – all people going round, trying to hang off it, you know the like. Being rained on all the time while the people underneath stayed dry as a bone. It had booked the first flight to Hawaii and stayed there for quite some time, auditioning for American Idol and the like. It actually won. First building material ever given a recording contract.  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANYWHO, let's just certify the fact that the ceiling was missing. She was dreadfully tired, but feared sleeping, as she would probably kill again. She was so tired... she'd just close her eyes for a second...  
  
She was walking around, down in the dungeons. Well, screw that 'eyes closed for a second' idea up the ass. Oh god, visual images. She didn't particularly know why, but she was wearing a gigantic leaf. She wondered what kind of a tree could produce such a freakin' huge leaf. She pulled a short dagger from her pocket (this was a special tree. It produced leaves with pockets.) and stealthed (my new word) around a bit. Two large boys came around the corner, grunting by way of talk.  
  
"Mph miff furphy, Crabbe."  
  
"Amp loft skiff, Goyle."  
  
"Wh phot, Crabbe?" Goyle said, seeing Alicia draw her weapon.  
  
"Domino, Goyle!" They both tried to run, but they were so fat that they fell over and started rolling down a flight of stairs like beach balls. It worked; Alicia couldn't possibly keep up with them on foot. That was, until she brought out her wings. She flew down to the bottom of the stairs to meet them as they rolled down. She closed her eyes, and her short dagger lengthened and duplicated, so she was holding two swords. Even with her lengthened weapons, the weight of the pair wrenched the swords out of her hands and stayed in the fat two like a stuck pig.  
  
She continued on her way down the corridor, until she saw a group of people huddling together. She put her hand behind her back and another dagger materialised there.  
  
"Little late to be out, wouldn't you say?" She said. The group of skinheads turned to face her and she grinned.  
  
"What's it to you?" They said, drawing their wands. Alicia wasn't scared. A flick of her hand shattered them. She advanced towards the now helpless group, enjoying the fact that she would slit every throat in the vicinity. Well, except for her own, of course, dur. She twirled the dagger around and three of the five crumpled dead at her feet. She pushed the knife into the stomach of another and brought it up swiftly. Another skinhead dead. She jumped the last one, who was ready for her. The punk drew a knife out and stabbed Alicia in the left wing, but not before she stabbed him through the neck. She jumped back and wrenched the knife out of her poor broken wing, before pulling them back into her. Walking away, satisfied, she walked through a solid stone wall and opened her eyes to inky blackness. She looked at her watch. It was 5am.  
  
At first she thought that it was the cold that had woken her, before she saw Peeves jumping up and down on her head. She shook him off furiously and he cackled away into the night.  
  
"Oh well, I'm up now." She thought, and pushed the covers off. She was wearing a very nice green singlet top and matching shorts to bed, so she put on a long white dressing gown for warmth. She stretched in her dormitory, then walked down to the ground floor. She stepped outside and stared at the forest. Of course, there was nothing there, but still. She liked to stare at things. She bent down and touched her toes. It had been a while. She hopped along on one foot, then the other. She half-jogged along, bringing her knees up to her chest with every step, all the while emitting a strange half-screechy noise.

"Wha hu CHA!" She said, karate-chopping the air in front of her. "Baaaaaaaaaaa skuuuuuuuu ka! Piiiiiiiii kaaaaaaaaaaaaa chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

"Pikachu?" Said a voice from behind her. She whirled around, assuming the defensive position.

"What are you doing here at 5am?" She asked.

"I could ask you the same thing." Oliver Wood said.

"No, I go to school here. I have every right to be here, of which you do not."

"I stalk this girl, do you know her? She's got long blonde hair, blue eyes, and... oh wait on, I'm stalking you."

"You're stalking me? You've never met me!"

"Oh well. Wanna shag?"

"Hmmm... ok!"

But as soon as he took one step towards her, she pulled a knife from nowhere and stabbed him in the forehead. This time, it was no dream. Blood covered her hands and so she ran. She ran up to the castle, wrenching the door open. She ran inside, only to run into Dumbledore.

"What are you doing up so early?" Alicia said.

"I was heading outside to practice my yoga. What about you? What are you doing at 5am with fresh blood on your hands? And, if I'm not mistaken, there's a dead body outside."

"Uh, you are dreeeeeeeeeeaming..."

-----

Dead Count

Neville Longbottom  
  
Draco Malfoy  
  
Hermione Granger  
  
Dean Thomas  
  
Severus Snape  
  
Josephine Sinistra  
  
Ron Weasley  
  
Luna Lovegood

Vincent Crabbe

Gregory Goyle

Oliver Wood

Random skinhead #1

Random skinhead #2

Random skinhead #3

Random skinhead #4

Random skinhead #5


	10. Witchdoctor Sharap'n

Hi! It's been a bit of a while. I realised I didn't have a disclaimer:  
  
I own nothing. Except some stuff, but no stuff that's already been owned. My sister owns the rest of the story, she told me about a weird dream she had and I thought it'd be cool =)  
  
Reviews:  
  
LJFan: Argh! Totally never thought of that Alicia Quidditch chick. Thanks!  
  
Swimmerkitti: I said to my friends that I was told I had a 'seriously funny mind' and they're like "Booply." Cos we were playing this game where we weren't allowed to say any proper words. ('Booply' means 'you lose'. I said proper words.) But I was still proud of myself =)  
  
-----  
  
Alicia looked around. Steel walls lined the small room. Another Ministry technique. Get you reeeeeeeeeeally bored, and I mean REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY bored, then you tell anything just to get an X-box in there. But Alicia was determined. She was not going to crack.  
  
"How did I end up here…" She muttered, putting her face in her hands.  
  
Actually, she knew how she ended up there. The ministry officials had examined the scene of Oliver Wood's murder, and found bloody handprints everywhere. They matched Alicia's. She changed her name from Alicia to Tiffany, went to the ministry, and had been sitting in that cold, dark room ever since. She was bored out of her brain. Nothing to do. Nooooooooooothing. Not a _sausage.  
_  
"Are you ready to admit, Miss Herpes?" A man said, walking in. Tiffany stared.  
  
"Don't call me Herpes." She said. "Just cos I _have_ it doesn't mean I _am_ it."  
  
"Answer the question, Tiffany." He said. "Admit it! Admit you killed those students!"  
  
"I admit." Tiffany said, her conscience clouding reasonable thought. "I killed them all."  
  
The man looked surprised. Then he froze. Tiffany cautiously got up from her seat. The man stared at her empty chair. She waved her hands in front of his face. Nothing. She giggled, and twisted him into an embarrassing position. He didn't stir. She cruised into the main area. Everyone was frozen, except one man. _Dumbledore.  
_  
"Dumbles!" She said. "What a pleasant surprise!"  
  
He looked at her very seriously. "You are being MiNd CoNtRoLlEd. To release it, you must deliver a special item to Witchdoctor Sharap'n, deep in the jungles of Africa."  
  
Tiffany was full of questions. "Who is Witchdoctor Sharap'n? What item? Do I get a map? Why were you talking in that sTrAnGe CaPiTaLiSaTiOn?"  
  
But Dumbledore disappeared, leaving a piece of parchment with three words on it. '_Seek the skeleton'_.  
  
"I will seek the skeleton." She said, before walking straight past the frozen minister for magic, out of the building.  
  
-----  
  
"I need to go alone." Tiffany said, pulling on a loose jacket.  
  
"You're not going alone. I'm going with you."  
  
"No!"  
  
Ron entered the scene. "Who's going where, and I want to come too."  
  
"Oh, bugger off." Tiffany said, trying to convince Harry to not accompany her to Africa. She exited, with no bags.  
  
"Won't you need luggage?"  
  
"It'll slow me down."  
  
"Come on, you're being crazy -"  
  
"Me? Crazy? I have to go to Africa, because Dumbledore told me to when he froze the workers at the ministry of magic, and because he'll stop me killing people. I have to seek out the skeleton, and deliver an unknown item to Witchdoctor Sharap'n. It is VERY SIMPLE. Now who's the crazy one?" She raised her eyebrows knowingly.  
  
"Still you, babe." Ginny said, smiling. "I'm going too. Always wanted to see Africa."  
  
"Fine, I don't care. All you can come."  
  
"Even me?" McGonagall said, coming into the room from the wardrobe.  
  
"Where'd you come from?" Tiffany asked suspiciously.  
  
"Narnia." She said simply.  
  
"Alright, so it's me, Harry, Ginny, Ron, and McGonagall. Let's go."  
  
-----  
  
They boarded the next plane to Africa, not knowing where they would go after that. Jump the first hurdle: getting into the correct continent. From then on, they were winging it. They passed their fake boarding passes to the airhostess, and she let them pass without a backward glance. They boarded the plane, seeing none other than…  
  
"Butterfly!" Tiffany greeted as they boarded. "What happened to you? The author hasn't written about you for a while - I mean, I haven't seen you for a while!"  
  
"I've been moonlighting, darl." She said. "Professor by day, airhostess by night. I should be a spy or something."  
  
Tiffany nodded and led the group to their seats, knocking out the people who had the real boarding passes, and dragging them into the bathrooms, much to the horror of the other passengers. They sat down, and Tiffany put her head back against the seat.  
  
"Where to from Africa?" Ginny asked.  
  
"We search." Tiffany said simply, drifting off to sleep.  
  
She was walking through a lush jungle, wearing a tattered green skirt and tank top. She had no shoes on but didn't seem to notice the stones pressing against the soles of her feet. All of a sudden, birds started flying at her. She screamed and ducked, but they hit her in the face, slapping her with their papery - papery? They weren't birds. They were bits of parchment. She caught one, but a skull snatched it away from her, and the parchment dropped to the ground.  
  
"Don't deliver it." The skull said. "Sharap'n is an irritable witchdoctor who hates being awoken. Better to kill. Better to maim. Better to hurt others than to walk into death's arms and be hurt yourself."  
  
"Oh, quit ya bitchin'." Tiffany said, and punched the skull. As soon as the skull made contact with the ground, Tiffany awoke as they touched down in Africa.  
  
-----  
  
Haha, there's the first part of my sister's weird dream. Stay tuned for the rest! 


	11. No More Macarena It's Sea Shanties for ...

They stepped off the plane and smiled in the hot African sun.  
  
"I tell you, it sure is great to be off that plane." Ron said.  
  
"Hang on..." Tiffany said. "Aren't you dead? Deadly virus? Doing Luna?"  
  
Ron looked ashamed. "Sorry about this, but it was the only way I could get you to take me to Africa with you." He then morphed into a girl of about sixteen, same age as the proverbial 'gang'. She had long, black hair, and green eyes to rival Harry's. "I'm really your long lost twin sister, Harry."  
  
"Wow!" Harry said. "What's your name?"  
  
"Harriet."  
  
"Where have I heard that name before?" Tiffany asked herself. "Oh, that's right, it's so close to _Harry's_ name. You're not really his long lost twin, are you."  
  
"Sorry! I swear to god, this is my true form." She said, morphing into a girl with long, blood red hair and deep blue eyes. "The name's Sinthya."  
  
"You mean Cynthia." Tiffany corrected.  
  
"No, Sinthya."  
  
"Cynthia."  
  
"Sinthya!"  
  
"Cynthia!"  
  
"Does it matter?" Harry cut in furiously. "It sounds the same anyway."  
  
Tiffany pouted and walked towards the airport terminal, Harry running after her, yelling at Sinthya. "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU MADE HER DO!"  
  
-----  
  
Stepping into the cool hotel room, they breathed in the cold air happily. Walking for half an hour in summery Africa heat made them all want to just keel over and die on the footpath. But they had spurned on, and reached their destination, with only one person needing to be rushed to the ER. But they were fine now, flopping on couches and refrigerators to have a long, refreshing sleep.  
  
Tiffany was the only one who stayed awake. She packed her backpack with common kitchen knives, making sure that she charmed them to not cut through the material and fall out. She also put in her bag common kitchen machine guns, just in case the knives mysteriously disappeared.  
  
"Time to go." She said to Harry, shaking him awake. She shook awake Ginny, Sinthya, and McGonagall, too, exiting the door to grumbles from the dream team.  
  
"But I wasn't even asleep yet!" Ginny complained. "And that room was booked for a week!"  
  
"We have to go. Or do you want to get murdered by the curse placed upon me?" Tiffany snapped, exiting the hotel lobby. As soon as they exited the double doors, their clothes had miraculously changed. Tiffany wore an army print bikini top, and army print cargo pants with chunky black boots. Ginny wore a khaki tee, which only just came down to below her chest, and black hotpants, with black boots. McGonagall wore a tree green top with long sleeves, and khaki pants, with white runners. Harry wore a tight black tank, showing off his never-before-seen muscles, and tree green pants so baggy it was a wonder they weren't used as a circus tent. Sinthya wore a black tank top, and a short tree green miniskirt. They all had guns, not to mention black belts in jujitsu, karate, and all manner of Chinese fighting styles. Tiffany looked in her backpack, to find that her common kitchen knives and machine guns had transformed into hunting knives and Mag Vega's.  
  
"Alright, I'd say we're ready for the jungle." Tiffany said.  
  
-----  
  
They trekked for days through the jungle, not finding anything. Once or twice they were attacked by wild boars (they blamed the gravy stash in McGonagall's bag) and a small Shetland pony tried to drown them in slobber, but apart from that they had a relatively boring time.  
  
"I say we split up." Sinthya said.  
  
"But I'm the one who has to deliver this goddamn thing to Sharap'n!" Tiffany shrieked.  
  
"What goddamn thing?" Harry asked mildly.  
  
"I don't bloody well know!" Tiffany squealed like a stuck pig.  
  
"Make sure we packed extra Tampax," Harry said. "This girl's PMS-ing."  
  
"NYAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Tiffany screamed, shaking the mountains with her cry. A large stone fell out of place, and revealed the once hidden entrance to a dark cave. A golden light seemed to shimmer inside of it, and Tiffany beckoned the others to follow her inside. Once in the cave, she tackled Sinthya, ripping from her pocket a black lighter.  
  
"Could've just asked." Sinthya grumbled, but Tiffany ignored her. Flicking the little fire into life, she led the way deeper and deeper inside the cave. It was obvious no one had been inside this cave for years, decades, centuries.  
  
"Do you see what I see?" Ginny asked softly. Everyone saw it. Light. This wasn't a cave. It was a tunnel. Through an African mountain to regions unknown and unexplored by any pioneer, as they probably wouldn't know it was even there, due to the large, black mountainous mountains surrounding the area they stepped out to. They were on the side of the mountain, looking down at their route. There was a large temple – on the other side of the area. Tiffany estimated the area to be a couple of kilometres either way, completely closed off by nature. Another temple, slightly closer to where they were, lay at the bottom of the mountain.  
  
"I'm guessing Sharap'n is in that temple way over there." Tiffany said. "We can sleep down at that close temple tonight, but we have to be off first thing tomorrow morning."  
  
Her friends agreed with her, following her down the mountainside towards the tiny temple. Upon reaching it, they found it to be drafty in the main area, but once they stepped into the living and sleeping areas the air was warm and comfortable.  
  
"Old spell," Tiffany explained. "Be on the lookout... Sharap'n might have been here, and the floating skull in my dream told me that he is vengeful and hates being woken. Watch for deathtraps."  
  
Her companions nodded and went off to their respective sleeping compartments, but there was a shrill cry from McGonagall's room, and Tiffany went inside to check what was going on.  
  
"Have you ever watched Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark?" Tiffany asked.  
  
"No." McGonagall whimpered.  
  
"Oh, such a good movie, you have to watch it. There's this trap, where when you touch the light, spikes come out to impale you. I think this is what happened here."  
  
"Thank you, captain obvious!" McGonagall said irritably. "Now can you get this steel rod out from my leg?"  
  
"Avast, ye scurvy dogs!" Tiffany said, leaping from side to side and swinging her arms around her head. The spike retreated into the wall and Tiffany used an extremely complex spell to cement up the wall, so as for that never to happen again. "Simple. Simply dance around and sing a sea shanty and they retreat. I've found that Aztec-like traps have a particular dislike for seafaring pirates and will do anything to be away from them."  
  
"How do you know all that stuff, Tiff?" McGonagall asked, flopping onto her rapidly red staining bed.  
  
"Oh, when I was eighteen months old I went on a trip with my adoptive parents to Aztec-Land... I found out a lot of interesting stuff, including the fact that feet do _not_ taste good at all."  
  
"Can you do anything with this leg? I think I'll bleed out and die if it's not tended to."  
  
"Can I just tell you about the time I went fishing in Russia –"  
  
"I _really_ hate to be a thorn in your side, but I am feeling rather woozy."  
  
"**Fine**! **Don't **listen! See if **I** care! Selfish **bitch**!" Tiffany muttered as she bandaged up McGonagall's leg. "B**l**o**o**d**y** b**o**l**d** f**o**n**t**!" 


	12. Intolerant

The next day, Tiffany sat on the stairs of the temple, watching the sunrise. It hurt her eyes after a while, cos the sun's so bright, and hot, and stuff, so she stopped watching the sun. Smart move, girl. She made a small fire in front of the temple, narrowly avoiding burning the whole thing down, and waited until all members of the party were sitting by the fire before she spoke.

"Professor?" She asked. "Can you go see if there's anything to eat anywhere?"

"Well, I really would, what with my leg and all..."

"Oh, ANY excuse to get out of work. Just because you were impaled on a rusty iron spike, and you're probably septic, does not mean you can get out of your duties!"

Silently, McGonagall limped off into the jungle.

"So," Tiffany said to Sinthya. "Why did you want us to take you to Africa?"

"It's a long story."

"We have time."

"Ok. I was born of a long dynasty of African leaders. I became leader, and all was right with the world. We didn't have great tourism... I was known as Queen Sinthya the Intolerant, and I suppose that would scare off potential tourists. But that name was misleading, and only a shortened version – my true name is Queen Sinthya the Lactose Intolerant."

"That's great... but what does that have to do with anything?" Harry asked.

"Oh, you will see, youngling. You will see..."

-Start cruisy flashback mode...-

Sinthya ran along the stone tiles, her dress flying out behind her.

-End cruisy flashback mode...-

"What was that for?" Harry asked curiously.

"I wanted you to see my dress. Isn't it faboo?"

"Totally faboo." Tiffany agreed.

"Anyway. A group of people from the neighbouring country knew only of my shortened name – they thought that my country was being run by a tyrant who was intolerant, not lactose intolerant. They invaded my country... thought the people had been brainwashed when the said I was a good leader... Killed all that sought to oppose them. Many joined the ranks, as no matter who is leader of a country, there will be people that hate that leader and wish them dead. They stormed my beautiful palace... killed my husband, Antonio Banderas... trapped my children in the cellar... then burned down my house. It was horrible, watching it go down in flames. A loyal servant got me out of the house in time and prevented me from re-entering it when I was wrought with despair at my children's cries. The cellar would have gone up like a bale of hay – Antonio and I were extensive wine collectors. I needed to get to Africa so I could find Antonio Banderas' brother and marry him or whatnot. Anyway, no airline would take an exile, so I used my metamorphmagi skills to change into your friend... little did I know he was dead and it was all in vain..."

Tiffany blinked tears back, shocked at Sinthya's story.

"So un-faboo..." She murmured, not noticing McGonagall's return from the jungle. The professor was sporting a large gash on her stomach, and two fingers were missing, but over her shoulders there was a large Bengal tiger, which she had obviously killed with her bare hands.

"Breakfast." She grunted, and Sinthya set to work on building a makeshift wok to hold over the fire.

"Took you long enough." Tiffany muttered under her breath, as McGonagall set the tiger down on the stone, two bloody fingers rolling out of its mouth.

-----

"So, Sinthya," Tiffany said through mouthfuls of pirhana (sp?) that McGonagall had wrestled out of the nearby river; "Why don't you tell us more about yourself?"

"Well, I was born in Africa..."

"No, like, anecdotes or something. I like a good yarn."

"Here ya go." Sinthya said, tossing a ball of yarn over. Tiffany caught it and began playing with it.

"Seriously though." Tiffany said.

"Ankh." Sinthya said.

"Where?" Tiffany asked, dropping the ball of yarn.

"Made you look you dirty chook, hanging on a butcher's hook, all the little doggy-wogs will have a little... ergh..." Sinthya trailed off, looking embarrassed.

"Ok, I shot the elephant with those tranquillisers you gave me Tiff, but I think they were faulty because they didn't work and I had to strangle it to death..." McGonagall started.

"COUGHCOUGH Yes, well, the important thing is that it's dead, right guys?" Tiffany muttered.


	13. FINAL You can stick it up your

Ok, last chapter. I'm really sick of this story so I'm going to end it now. Have fun reading. Oh, and in case you don't notice, Sharap'n was modelled after me (surprise, just look at my name.) I do try and murder people if they wake me up in the morning, but I usually don't succeed.

* * *

They packed up and left, and before long, they came to a large, swampy river. There were patches of grass and river weed everywhere. Walking along a makeshift bridge, Tiffany could feel the sea creatures brushing against the underside of the narrow log. Sinthya slipped on a piece of moss – and fell in.

Tiffany didn't know what kinds of animals were in that water, nor did she care. She pushed her wings out, and flew over to where Sinthya was treading water. She pulled the young queen out of the water, noticing that she was suprisingly light. Then, she looked down, and saw why Sinthya was so light. She was but a torso, the bottom half looking like it had been ripped off by some savage sea monster.

"Yeah, I forgot to tell you – you ever seen that movie, Deep Rising?" McGonagall said.

"Yes!" shrieked Tiffany. "The one with the giant life-sucking sea monsters?"

"They're in this lagoon."

"Helpful now!" said Tiffany, but McGonagall was smiling to herself, because she had killed two birds with one stone. She had a) gotten rid of that annoying Sinthya fellow, and b) made Tiffany look stupid.

They had nothing to do but trudge on, and trudge on they did, with their scant provisions keeping them alive.

* * *

"I think this is a jump pad, guys." Ginny said, and demonstrated by leaping onto the large red box. She immediately was forced high into the sky, landing onto a platform above their heads.

"Looks simple enough." Said McGonagall, and walked onto the box – with not enough force to propel herself the entire way. She missed the platform by a few metres, and landed onto an extremely large brick with a sickening crack.

"Oh well." Tiffany said, and jumped onto the box with Harry. They were propelled onto the platform, and they made their way along it without too much hassle, until a large, rotting skeleton shimmered in.

"Pick a card, any card, you will see it's not that hard." The skeleton said, cackling insanely.

"What?" asked Harry.

"Pick your choice, choose your pick, this isn't really a very good magic trick."

"I see." Tiffany said.

"The girl is smart, the girl's not dumb, I think she has been drinking rum."

"Can you quit with the cheesy rhymes?" Ginny asked irritably.

"You aren't that smart, you're pretty munt, you can stick it up your –"

Tiffany effectively shut the skeleton up by removing its jawbone. The skeleton glared at her, then held out a deck of cards. Tiffany chose the centre one. It was the nine of hearts. The skeleton cackled and disappeared, dropping the cards all over the place. Each one was the nine of hearts.

"That WAS a cool trick." Harry said.

From there they had two choices: swim the left route through a dark, grey river, rapids lashing at the sides, and shark fins protruding from the water everywhere, or take the left route, through a peaceful, clear blue channel, with sunshine, and a visible golden beach. There was only one shark fin protruding from that channel, and it looked like a dolphin fin anyway.

"The right one looks like a trap." Tiffany muttered, and stuck her wings out, picked Ginny up, and dropped her in the left route. "SEE IF IT'S SAFE!" She yelled out. In approximately 3.263 seconds, Ginny disappeared under the water and a rush of red came up to the surface.

"Right route it is, then." Said Harry, whose facial expression said it all: 'I'm shitting my pants'.

So they dived in the right route, and swam past the Friendly Dolphin, up onto the golden beach. Hark! A temple! With loud snores coming from the inside. Tiffany and Harry ran up to the temple, and into the sleeping chamber of Witchdoctor Sharap'n.

"SHARAP'N!" Tiffany shrieked. The mean-tempered witchdoctor awoke with a start, and rose into the air, squinting at Tiffany and Harry. Her eyes burned an unearthly blue-grey colour; her hair was an impossible reddish-brown, but sort of shined purplish magenta in the sun. She had a pale face, and was rather thin. Dangling from her ears were green and silver triangle-shaped earrings, and she had a Gemini necklace on.

"You dare disturb the slumber of the great Witchdoctor Sharap'n?" She screamed, in a high-pitched kind of screech. "You had bloody well better have a plate of bacon for me!"

"No, Miss Sharap'n –"

"Then you'd better have something cool!"

Tiffany dug into her pockets. There was a few sticks of gum, twenty-three knuts, and a butterfly clip.

"Gum?"

"Got some."

"Knuts?"

"Sharap'n has no need for money."

"Butterfly clip?"

"Alright. But I want something else! A stingy £1 butterfly clip isn't worth your lives!"

"The only other thing I have is this nine of hearts." Tiffany said, holding up the card she had got off the rotting skeleton.

"The NINE... of hearts?" Sharap'n asked softly.

"Yep."

"Not the ten... nor the eight?"

"Nope."

"Nor the Jack? Nor the seven?"

"It's the nine."

"Not the Queen? Not the six?"

"Nine."

"Not the King? Or the five?"

"It's the Nine."

"Not the Ace? Or the four?"

"Nope. This is the nine of hearts.

"Not the two? Or even... the three?"

"I tell you, this is the number nine, of the hearts section of a pack of cards."

"Gimme that!" Sharap'n screeched, and tried to snatch the card from Tiffany, but she was too quick, putting it behind her back.

"I need the reverse-curse first."

"Fine. Ah..." and Sharap'n muttered the incantation to stop Tiffany murdering people.

"Rictum sictum peas and corn,

Going blind is caused by porn.

Rancum sancum popping pills,

Make this woman stop her kills!"

"Now if that wasn't the crappiest spell I ever heard then I don't know what is." Tiffany said, and Sharap'n glared.

"Thank you for this nine of Hearts, Tiffany!" said Sharap'n, and she disappeared.

"How did she know my name?" Tiffany wondered, but then music came on, and a voice drifted through the temple.

"Goodbye, Tiffany. I hope we will meet again soon..." 

"What are you doing?" Harry asked incredulously, as Tiffany swivelled her hips and jumped 90 degrees to the right.

"I believe she's doing the Macarena, professor!" Tiffany said, laughing and dancing until the song faded to nothing.


End file.
